So, I have Hallie's sleep pretty much under control. She is up a bit earlier than I'd like, but hey, it is through the night. But Jackson's bedtime routine has spiraled out of control - from long and a bit of a struggle to a full -fledged WAR zone EVERY NIGHT.
First, we fight to bring him inside the house (regardless of how early or late it is). After that screaming tantrum is over, we try to calm him with a myriad of things, TV, movies, books, songs, etc. Then we fight more and more battles of undressing, dressing, brushing teeth and saying prayers. The book reading and song sing is usually calm and peaceful, until it comes time to say goodnight. Then all HELL breaks loose. Screaming, crying, "I don't want to go to bed!!!" chants, out of bed, banging the wall, clinging to us.
We've tried being nice . . . extra songs, extra books, lights on, more water, laying with him, holding him, 5 reward points in the morning, my neighbor gave him a lullaby book (he is scared of the music), bribes, rewards, encouragement, etc etc. . .But it is never enough!
We've tried being mean . . . going on our own screaming tantrum, locking him in the room (This is met by constant banging on the door), taking away privileges, not reading books, not singing songs, letting him cry for an hour (we eventually have to go in and calm him down) . . . completely ineffective!
He is going to bed LATE every night (around 9-10) not because we aren't trying! Then he is up before 6:30 every day!! Plus, he NEVER takes a nap unless he happens to fall asleep in the car. I don't know about you, but those kind of sleep hours aren't enough for ME, let alone a 3 year old!!
I don't want to even fight about trying for a nap time because if I had to have this kind of war TWICE a day, I would quit my job!
When he was a baby I tried to let him cry it out and he could outlast me everytime. He eventually just got old enough that he slept through the night. I don't feel like he is the type of kid that can cry himself to sleep. He has so much determination and fight in him. He did sleep through the night and go to sleep at a reasonable hour every day last year (plus a 2-3 hour nap daily!) Every since I took over as a full time mom, he won't take any naps and bed time is crazy hard. Dave was so good with him!
I seriously am at a loss! I am so frustrated every night (Luckily Dave takes many nights, but we are both frustrated by the end because he uses "I want my mommy" "I want my daddy" as another of his fights.
Even when we have great days and I feel like he is such a wonderful kid, by 10 pm I feel so much anger towards him. What can I do? Does it end? Any suggestions?
P.S. This is written precisely 5 mins after tonights hour and a half battle ended . . . it may or may not be written with more drama than is actually existent!
Edited: I just spent the last 5 minutes cuddling with a peaceful, sleeping 3-year-old and my heart is all filled up with love again . . . until next time :)
10 comments:
So sorry, sleeping problems are the worst! I feel lucky because Isaac has always been a good sleeper, it's his best quality(J/K)! I have no advice, just wait it out. And eventually it will get easier. With my kids all bad phases seem to pass eventually- but it's so exhausting!
i'm totally serious..."healthy sleep habits happy child...first edition". it is very good and helps you develop a routine with your child. but most importantly helps your child enjoy sleeping and knows that bedtime is serious business. it has worked very well for seneca. of friend of mine with 4 children recommended this book to me when seneca was three months old. i started sleep training her shortly after this. it was very helpful and if you are consistent is a blessing for you and your husband.
i was going to tell you also, that since he is not taking naps and going to bed very late, he is probably VERY overtired and he WILL be difficult going to bed. it's like us, if we are overtired it's very hard to fall asleep. maybe start him much earlier with a bath and whatever routine you have. let him cry it out and he will understand that sleep is serious.
I agree with Mesia. I was going to mention that Hallie's naps are probably better because she's not overtired anymore. You stood your ground when she complained and she got the message that it was time to sleep and slept. She didn't know what was better for her--you did.
I have a friend who took all play items out of her two-year old's room and locked her in every night at bedtime. Later, she'd go in and pick her sleeping girl off the floor and put her to bed. She was consistent and now as a four year old, she doesn't need to be locked in anymore. I really think consistency and standing your ground is important. Just remember that you know better than he does. It's too bad you're not as immovably stubborn as he is. :) (He must have gotten that from the Harper side.)
PS I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and I'm so happy for you and I will really miss you.)
I know i've mentioned this like a million times, but my oldest was a lot like this. The cry it out method never, ever, ever worked. We eventually came up with a routine and stuck to it, and it seemed to do the trick. However, it also seems like Jackson doesn't adapt well to change, so the best thing that you can do for him is be consistent. Even if he resists it at first, he will begin to thrive on the stability.
I agree with Mesia. I think he is also probably way overtired which just compounds the problem every night. I know it's hard, but you have to be consistent with your routine. Figure out what you're going to do, and then stick to it. Varying your routine based on his tantrums only shows him that he has the power in the struggle, and that his tantrums are effective.
Also, Matthew, my oldest never napped, and it was awful. I talked to my pediatrician about it and she suggested a mandatory quiet time of at least an hour everyday. He had to be in his room, by himself, but he didn't have to be sleeping. He could play with quiet toys, or look through books, but had to be quiet. I guess she had a daughter that wasn't a napper, either and it's what she did with her. While I think naps would have been better, I did see improvement in his moods. Even if he's not napping, a chance to unwind and relax everyday should help.
Good luck!!
We noticed we were having the same issues with Seth, so here's what worked for us--a consistent routine! Jon sets several alarms on his phone. The first, at 7:15 is clean up time. 7:30 is go upstairs and get ready for bed. 8:05 is done with books, time for prayers. The faster he gets ready for bed, the more time he has for books. Seth does much better with the alarms telling him it's time to do something instead of us. Plus, it helps us be more consistent. He fought it for a few days, but now he hears the alarm and it's like magic. Good luck!
I'm sorry you're going through this right now! If it helps at all, it will get better eventually. I wish I had more words of wisdom for you, but you've already gotten some excellent advice above. I just had to smile as I read your last couple of lines. I remember talking with my mom one evening right in the middle of "the witching hour," and saying some pretty harsh things about my kids. After the dust had all settled and they were all finally asleep, I checked on the little angels and felt remorse about the mean things I'd said. So I called my mom back and told her that I was wrong and I really did love my kids. Her response to me: "They must be asleep, right?" : ) You can do hard things, and you can get through this too. I think you are such awesome parents. I'm sure you already have, but have you taken this struggle to the Lord? He loves Jackson and He loves you and he will give you inspiration you need. Hang in there!
p.s. So excited for you!
Oh Jamie,
I feel for you. We have had points like this too in raising our kids where we feel so helpless. I do have to say that the book Mesia recommended really is a good read. That really made a difference for our family and kid's sleep habits. Another REALLY good book that has made such a difference is "123 magic". It's so good and gives you the tools about how to get your kid to mind with anything- including going to bed.
Good luck with Jackson's sleep routine. I hope it ends up going well!
PS, I just read the other comments- are you guys moving?
Wow, these comments, and these moms... on top of it! Great advice, now I want to check out these books and I even have great sleeping habits with my kids! Ha.
I hope you find the magic method with Jackson because it really does change your life when you can go through the daily routines of life without constantly having to fight and having all of those feelings and frustrations. It is more enjoyable for the kids and you as a mom feel so much more in control and happier. I hated when it was a struggle. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted on the process!
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